Forgiveness

I know what it feels like
I know the horrible feeling you get inside your body when you know something is wrong but you continue with it anyway.
I know how it feels to convince yourself that you’re so wonderfully happy when in reality you’ve never been so low.
I know how it feels to give your all to someone who never even gave you an inch.
I know how it feels to make someone a priority when you were barely even an option.
I know how it feels to be lied to every single day, yet still look that person in the eye and believe every piece of shit they spoke every time.
But worst of all, I know how it feels to lose yourself in the process.

And what I have learned is, is that it’s all okay.
You once gave your all to someone who sucked you dry to the bone. And that’s fine. Let them keep that version of you, because honey I guarantee the version you are in the process of creating is much better and will eventually be untouchable.
What matters now are the steps you are taking to move past it and gain your power back.

The hardest part is believing that;
You deserve forgiveness,
You deserve peace,
You deserve happiness,
You deserve to be set free,

You do deserve the fresh start life is trying to give you. All you have to do is open yourself up and leap into it.

I know this because now I know how it feels to have someone who can make you truly laugh, someone who makes you feel wanted and important. Someone whose efforts go way beyond their words and whose constant support keeps you driven.
I now know how it feels to have someone look at you with such passion and someone whose touch can make any situation better no matter how hard it may seem.
Someone who just genuinely respects you.

See at the time I didn’t even realise that those horrible feelings I once felt were even all that bad. I had nothing to compare those experiences to, therefore it all seemed normal. I took being emotionally abused every single day as a form of ‘love’ and something I indulged myself into with everything I had. I exhausted myself every day, made myself physically sick until one day enough became enough and I found myself again.

But once I had walked through all that negativity in my life, I was open to new light. Because I had once felt all those things, I was determined to make the rest of what I would ever feel, different. Without those negative experiences, I would have no idea how special my life is today. My appreciation wouldn’t be what it is right now. So I learned to thank the past instead of regret it.

So my advice to you is to stop dwelling on the past and losing sleep over what is no longer important. Focus on the future and the changes you aim to make for yourself.
Reconnect with your self-worth and allow yourself to accept the past and the feelings you have been in touch with.
I know it sounds easy, and trust me, it is far from it. But I can’t express enough how good it feels to breathe the fresh air on the other side.
Understand that there will be bad days; there is no escaping the emotions you will have to deal with on a day-to-day basis. But in light of all of this, realise that eventually you have to forgive yourself and allow yourself to find the light at the end of the tunnel. I promise you that things will not be bad forever. All you’ve done is fallen, we all fall, it’s now time to get back up and keep on keepin on. Forgive your past and create your future, you can do it.

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